ACT II
SCENE I
[KING NORTHVALLEY MADISCA is sitting at the head of his long, extravagant dining hall table in a silk robe and golden crown. At the opposite side of the table is QUEEN SWEET-N-SOUR MADISCA. DAFT PUNK is sitting roughly in between the two of them on the side of the table on a metal folding chair with a piece of parchment and a quill. The table is outfitted with a feast of a meal. “Space Boogie” is playing at a low volume.]
KING NORTHVALLEY: It’s a beautiful day, Sweets.
QUEEN SWEET-N-SOUR: It is? Why is that, darling?”
KING NORTHVALLEY: Oh Sweets. Sweets, Sweets, Sweets. Two days ago Sir Upperrich—
QUEEN SWEET-N-SOUR: Oh he’s so dreamy.
KING NORTHVALLEY: Yes indeed he is. Anyway, he raided Syke Dyson’s castle and poisoned the fat bastard’s wine supply.
QUEEN SWEET-N-SOUR: Oh that is wonderful, North.
KING NORTHVALLEY: Yes…It ‘tis. He’s surely dead by now. That alcoholic cow, I hope his ankle neuropathies follow him beyond the grave. Now without a leader, their kingdom will fall victim to uncertainty and will spiral without out his guiding hand! In their sorrow, they will neglect the orchestration of a competing offer with The Big Fat Mac as his dairy provider. I will be able to drive up the prices without competition, while still meeting all of his dairy needs! And if we can ink a deal with The Big Fat Mac, well, then we’ll have the whole Eastern Territory eating Karst Curd!
QUEEN SWEET-N-SOUR: That’s incredible, Northie!
[Enter MILKER SHAMMONS out of breath and covered in sweat]
KING NORTHVALLEY: What is the meaning of this?!
MILKER SHAMMONS: My apologies, King. Sir Upperrich is dead.
[DAFT PUNK lets out a high pitched shriek and QUEEN SWEET-N-SOUR falls to the floor, and begins groaning loudly.]
KING NORTHVALLEY: Good Holy God. You cannot spring news of such severity, so quickly, son. Daft Punk startles easily. I don’t want to have to start a search for a new scribe, God-forbid. The last one went on for months.
MILKER SHAMMONS: But the Queen—
KING NORTHVALLEY: Lifelong narcoleptic. She’ll come back around. She also has a terrible case of sleep apnea, that’s the sound of her snoring. The doctor says between the two, she’s losing years off her life, but I’m still the one that can’t get a wink of sleep, it’s an wicked dichotomy. But back to the story, boy!
MILKER SHAMMONS: We had snuck into the wine cellar, through the sewer system. We poisoned the rack of wine that was being taken from, nearest the door. As we were about to leave, two guards found us, and began asking questions. Sir Upperrich outwitted them with some clever responses, and they bought it. As they turned to leave, it was the most horrific of sights! Each of his limbs exploded all over the wine cellar, and finally his head popped. The guards were just standing there bewildered, and I ran past them, back into the sewer. I came here as quickly as I could.
KING NORTHVALLEY: This is troubling.
[KING NORTHVALLEY begins screaming and throwing food and flatware against the far wall. MILKER SHAMMONS runs out of the dining hall in fright.]
KING NORTHVALLEY: Did you get all of that!!
DAFT PUNK: Yes, my King.
KING NORTHVALLEY: You really are one in a million…Boy! Get back in here. I have a task for you.
[Enter MILKER SHAMMONS]
KING NORTHVALLEY: You’re going to make another secret invasion into the Dyson Kingdom.
[MILKER SHAMMONS gulps audibly.]
SCENE II
[QUEEN SEAR-A DYSON, a fierce looking women with sparkling blue eyes, long painted fingernails, and one-and-a-half ears, is sitting in an empty tavern in the Dyson Kingdom. Across from her is THE BIG FAT MAC. At standing height, he is well over seven feet tall. He has a thick black beard, a bald head, and is outfitted in exotic furs. His four bodyguards stand behind him, armed to the teeth.]
QUEEN SEAR-A: Thank you for meeting with me, The Big Fat Mac. I know this deviates from traditional trade etiquette.
THE BIG FAT MAC: Yes well, why don’t you explain to me why we are meeting under these conditions, Queen Sear-a.
QUEEN SEAR-A: My husband, King Syke Dyson, was poisoned by goons from the Karst Kingdom. They slipped some contaminants his wine. One of them was…vanquished in doing so. His blood was splattered on the bottles. But my husband he still drank —
THE BIG FAT MACK: He did always like the drink.
QUEEN SEAR-A:…Yes he did. It happened early yesterday morning. And as you know, we have three daughters. With no immediate male heir, the Kingdom has fallen into my hands.
THE BIG FAT MACK: So what you’re telling me is that Dyson is more of a Queendom now.
QUEEN SEAR-A: Precisely. And since he had already scheduled this meeting to negotiate dairy prices, I have decided to proceed with it as the reigning monarch of this state.
THE BIG FAT MAC: Hmmm. I have known King Syke Dyson for years and years, and we have done business together many times. So forgive my skepticism of working with a new face. And at that, a face carrying two dry eyes.
QUEEN SEAR-A: I am putting on a brave face, I assure you. But nonetheless, I know this kingdom, and I know it’s trade, just as well as the King himself had known it.
THE BIG FAT MAC: So you say. And why are we in this lowly tavern.
QUEEN SEAR-A: I fear there are several nobles and knights, residing in the castle that are still mourning, and would find such proceedings callus given this morning’s events.
THE BIG FAT MAC: While I do appreciate your commitment to our appointment, I think I will wait to strike a deal. Dyson seems to be in a fragile state. I will comeback to speak with you again next season, and if the Dyson Queendom is still in one piece, then maybe we can reach an agreement.
[QUEEN SEAR-A draws a a steel dagger with a crystal handle and places it on the table between herself and THE BIG FAT MAC.]
QUEEN SEAR-A: I urge you to reconsider.
[THE BIG FAT MAC and his four bodyguards break into a barrage of laughter.]
THE BIG FAT MAC: You cannot intimidate me, Queen Sear-a of Dyson. I have killed men twice your size holding blades infinitely more deadly. I wear the furs of the most dangerous beasts known to man, not because they were purchased or bartered for, but because I slayed them, gutted them, ate their innards, and wore their hide as a trophy. So why, Sear-a, should I be afraid of you and your toothpick?
QUEEN SEAR-A: I am a Queen. And my dagger is named Frozen Fang. And you should fear me. Y0ou know not of what I am capable. So I ask for the final time, can we begin our trade discussion?
[THE BIG FAT MAC and his four bodyguards again break into laughter.]
QUEEN SEAR-A: Very well.
[In the single quickest and most adroit movement ever seen by the eyes of THE BIG FAT MAC and three of his bodyguards, (When the fourth bodyguard was a child he had once seen an elderly man stab a gnat with a sewing needle at a comparable speed and adeptness.) QUEEN SEAR-A snatched her dagger, leapt from her chair and sliced open the throats of all five men in front of her. She holstered Frozen Fang and sat down at the bar, as the men rolled about the tavern floor gasping.]
QUEEN SEAR-A: A glass of your strongest grain please.
BARTENDER: Yes, my Queen…Are you just going to leave them like that?
QUEEN SEAR-A: I have not thought that far ahead.
BARTENDER: I can take care of the bodies, and with a pair of sealed lips.
QUEEN SEAR-A: I’ll make sure to leave a generous tip.
BARTENDER: It is greatly appreciated, My Queen. May I ask a third questioned?
QUEEN SEAR-A: You seem to be a clever barkeep, go ahead.
BARTENDER: Why did you murder The Big Fat Mac and his four bodyguards?
QUEEN SEAR-A: It has been far too long since the Dyson Kingdom has used its geographic location and natural resources to their full potential. The tides are turning, and this is just the beginning.
[The two begin kissing over the bartop as Taps played through the lively morning air, muffled by the tavern walls.]
SCENE III
[MILKER SHAMMONS is sitting on the floor of a dark jail cell, poking out of his tunic is the fuzzy head of SHAKE-N-BAKE, the reigning champion of the Karst Tournament of Ferrets.]
MILKER SHAMMONS: We’re never making it out of this cell. I don’t know how this happened to me. On the one hand, I never thought I would be going on secret missions for his majesty, let alone two consecutively. How honorable a job! Sure I was the best damn milker anyone had ever seen, but despite what Pa said, I don’t know if there’s any honor in milking. I remember the day that I hung up the bucket and tiny stool, and decided to become a squire. I’ve come so far! But on the other hand, I’m stuck in a jail cell, and in the matter of hours, I will be ruthlessly tortured and murdered. My life is so insignificant, and it’s about to end.
SHAKE-N-BAKE: Listen to yourself! No pride in milking?! Remember where you came from, Young Shammons. A true hero takes pride in their livelihood no matter what it is. Your life is not over and neither is mine. You still have a long journey in front of you, Young Shammons. Now is not the time for despair. We must wait patiently and think. Victory is a mouse in a field, and we’re still sniffing the little shit out.
MILKER SHAMMONS: Thanks, Shake, I needed—
[Enter a large guard and DIAMOND DYSON a.k.a. DD. She is wearing a purple cloak with a large hood.]
DD: Thank you, now leave me with the prisoners.
[The large guard exits.]
DD: Greetings young knight. I thank the God above that I was the first one to reach you. When I caught word that we had prisoners from Karst, I was overcome by an indescribable feeling of hope. I believe you were brought here to help me, and now that I am looking at your face, I know that I am right. Oh, but I should introduce myself, my name is DD.
MILKER SHAMMONS: Princess Diamond?
DD: Yes, but that is a title I have never found very flattering.
MILKER SHAMMONS: Well DD, I am honored that you have come to our cell. But I am just a simple squire.
DD: “Our cell?”
MILKER SHAMMONS: Ah yes. This is SHAKE-N-BAKE. He may be small, but he is fierce, and the wisest creature in all of Karst.
SHAKE-N-BAKE: How wonderful to meet you, DD. How can we be of service?
DD: Thank you for asking. It’s my mother. She forced my father to drink poisoned wine, killing him. I saw it all through the cracked door of their bedroom. And now she is planning an attack on the Kingdom of Karst, and she will not stop there. I fear the destruction she can cause. She is a skilled fighter, and a brilliant mind. She must be stopped before she begins her slaughter. To make matters worse, she has been bedding a sleezely tavern owner. Her decisions have been more than eradict.
MILKER SHAMMONS: I am so sorry to hear about your circumstances. But I must confess, it is I who poisoned your father’s wine in the first place, during a secret mission with Sir Upperrich.
DD: This is all in the past. You were only doing as you were instructed. We have a more important venture ahead of us. I never caught your name, young warrior.
MILKER SHAMMONS: Milker Shammons, My Princess.
DD: How lovely, but I am not your princess.
SHAKE-N-BAKE: Did you have a plan, DD.
DD: My mother is planning on taking you into the throne room for questioning. She will torture you and interrogate you herself, with her evil dagger. Her biggest flaw is her pride. If I’m right, she will have no guards in the room with her, and you will be brought in unrestrained. She is too quick for a surprise attack. I have made a paralysis potion. If she anyone gets one whiff of it, their muscles will freeze up. You will drop the vile on the floor so it shatters. She will smell it and freeze up. I brought nose plugs for you, so that you will be impervious to the potions effects. You will then kill her with her own dagger. I will be waiting outside the throne room, to escort you home.
SCENE IV
[MILKER SHAMMONS is standing in the Dyson throne room, unbound. Sitting on the two majestic thrones at the room’s head, are QUEEN SEAR-A and her “boyfriend” BARTENDER SIMON. SHAKEN-N-BAKE is hidden within the furrows of MILKER SHAMMON’S tunic.]
QUEEN SEAR-A: So you have infiltrated my Kingdom to do…what?
MILKER SHAMMONS: I was sent by King Northvalley to spy on you, and ensure that our assassination attempt on the King was successful.
QUEEN SEAR-A: You sure are an honest one…Are you even a knight.
MILKER SHAMMONS: I am but a squire, My Queen.
QUEEN SEAR-A: Does King Northvalley think that low of us?
MILKER SHAMMONS: Yes.
QUEEN SEAR-A: Good.
[QUEEN SEAR-A rose from her throne drawing Ice Fang. MILKER SHAMMONS drops a small vile from his sleeve. It lands on the cobblestone floor, but does not break.]
QUEEN SEAR-A: What is this. Have you a cowardly potion for me as well?
[SHAKE-N-BAKE jump’s from his tunic and smashes the bottle with one mighty punch. QUEEN SEAR-A and SIMON freeze. MILKER SHAMMONS snatches Ice Fang. As his hand darts forward into the Queen’s neck, he and SHAKE-N-BAKE disappear from the throne room, with a puff of smoke.]