Normally the pain is directly in the center but not this one. It’s on my left side right under my ribs. Troublesome when it’s in a new place. And here I am telling you, of all people about it. You’d laugh, I know you would. Well you’d want to.
This isn’t helping. It’s supposed to help, but it isn’t helping.
What are you doing these days? Oh, that’s right. I shouldn’t’ve asked.
I sleep fine now. Not like I used to be, except for tonight. For some reason I can’t nap anymore though. It’s weird. Probably nerves or something. Either way I’m better now. You can check, just scars no more blood or scabs.
That left side again. Such a pest. I wish you were here, I know I said I didn’t so many times before, but I do now. Sometimes I’m a dirty fucking liar with my uneasy smile and lightning reflexes. But you know.
There’s a lot you don’t too.
I know you felt what I feel. The only difference is that all it is now is pain. Any sentimentality has been thrown out the window, broken into a hundred and two pieces, stepped on and walked around, until it washed away; away from that sidewalk and the street shoulder it landed on. No one ever asks where those things go in a city. Little pieces of something or other that become a permanent fixture on someone’s daily commute, until they disappear, and nobody asks where they disappeared to. Just one section of sidewalk that’s less cluttered for someone else to occupy. They would appreciate it if any of them noticed.
I hate you. I’ve never been more sure of anything. It has always been the backfiring of intentions, but I still hate you. All that rage and anger, and you get it all. Those lost words forever stuck in my old clumpy pillow. And heck I’m not going back to read them.
Even though I should.
It would help me understand. Not just you but my own self, and isn’t that what all of this is about, some narcissistic psychopathy rooted in nostalgia? I feign some emotion as if I have even a one. None of it is real. Yours were. I’m a gray balloon filled with the breath of an eager child, lulling on the ground watching the colorful helium fliers live how I could not. Cannot. If you could forget me I’d tell you to, but we both know you never forgot a damned thing your whole life.
But I’m not alone in this room. You’re right here with me. Just to my left