SCENE I
[KING NORTHVALLEY MADISCA, SIR OH HONO, FATHER MEYERS CHAMBERLIN, LADY TRIX TRAX, and their scribe DAFT PUNK (all of Karst) are gathered outside of a seldom used door on the North side of a mid-sized castle.]
KING NORTHVALLEY: I call this meeting to order on the third night of the fifth rotation of Agitha’s Moon. As you all know we are here to oversee the send off of Sir LeGerald on his quest to secretly poison the King of Dyson and all of his nobility. Sir LeGerald will be here at any moment, are there any final objections to the mission at hand?
SIR HONO: Ho No! We all know that it must be done. Furthermore, speaking for myself and only myself, I would allow your light to lead me any where. You know best, My King.
FATHER CHAMBERLIN: The Lord came to me last night while I was sleeping oh so peacefully. So peacefully I slept, and the Lord, he entered my dream. My dream, in it I was in a peaceful meadow, surrounded by deer and rabbits and butterflies and the birds. The birds it was, one of them, it was a bright red breasted cardinal, he flew right up to me, beak to ear. To my ear he whispered, “Give my blessing to Sir Upperrich on his journey,” he said. He said this and so, King Madisca, I bestow the blessing of the one and only God onto Sir Upperrich and this righteous quest you beset him upon.
KING NORTHVALLEY: Thank you, Father. Did you get all of that, boy?
DAFT PUNK: Yes, King.
KING NORTHVALLEY: Excellent. Lady Trax?
LADY TRAX: Kill the cocksuckers.
[Enter SIR LEGERALD UPPERRICH VII of Karst and his squire, on horseback.]
SIR UPPERRICH: Good evening, My King. Father Chamberlin. Sir Hono. My Lady. Do I have your blessing to depart, and complete my holy quest.
KING NORTHVALLEY: You do, My Son. You have the faith from this King before you and every King before him. You will succeed, The Lord has willed it to be. Here is the poison.
[KING NORTHVALLEY hands Sir Upperrich a small corked brown bottle.]
SIR UPPERRICH: I will not let you down, My King.
[SIR UPPERRICH and his squire depart.]
SIR HONO: God bless that boy, and his brilliant shoulders.
FATHER CHAMBERLIN: Brilliant shoulders.
LADY TRAX: Indeed.
KING NORTHVALLEY: Let us return to bed and rest, for tomorrow we must attend The Tournament of Ferrets.
SCENE II
[SIR UPPERRICH and his squire, MILKER SHAMMONS, are tying their horses to a tree at the edge of the forest.]
SIR UPPERRICH: The city of Dyson is right up ahead. We will be entering on the West wall, where there is a damaged grate the river flows into. We will be able to fight the stream’s current and swim into the city. Come now, Shammons.
[The two travellers peer outside of the forest to the west wall of the city from behind a bush.]
SIR UPPERRICH: Drat! They have a guard surveilling the area. It’s too dangerous to enter into the clearing swords drawn and attack him. The distance is too great, he may have time to call for reinforcements. We’ll have to draw him to us. Shammons, you have a womanly sounding voice. You’re going to call for help, and when he gets here, I’ll ambush him.
MILKER SHAMMONS: Yes, Sir.
[SIR UPPERRICH hides behind a nearby tree.]
SIR UPPERRICH: Ready, Shammons.
MILKER SHAMMONS: Help! Somebody HELP ME!!!
[Enter STUPID CASTLE GUARD]
STUPID CASTLE GUARD: What’s going on here?
SIR UPPERRICH: Ah!!!
[SIR UPPERRICH beheads STUPID CASTLE GUARD.]
MILKER SHAMMONS: Well done, Sir!!
SIR UPPERRICH: Thank you, Shammons. No let’s get to that grate.
SCENE III
[SIR UPPERRICH and MILKER SHAMMONS are standing, dripping wet, inside the Royal Wine Cellar.]
SIR UPPERRICH: See this shelf over here, Shammons? There are far fewer bottles on it. The servants must be taking the bottles off of this rack. If we drip a drop of poison on each of the corks, the poison is veracious enough to seep through them and into the drink. That drunken bastard will probably consume the whole lot himself!
MILKER SHAMMONS: You’re so smart, Sir!
SIR UPPERRICH: I know, Shammons, that I am. Now, hurry!
[MILKER SHAMMONS drips a drop of poison onto each of the corks.]
SIR UPPERRICH: Excellent work, Shammons. Now we must leave before we are heard.
[Enter STUPID TALL GUARD and STUPID SHORT GUARD.]
STUPID SHORT GUARD: What are you two doing in here?
SIR UPPERRICH: We were sent by the King to inspect his wine supply. He was worried someone was stealing from him. Why are you down here?
STUPID SHORT GUARD: We heard a racket, came down to investigate.
SIR UPPERRICH: Really? Is that all? Didn’t come to fill your pockets then?
STUPID TALL GUARD: What are you suggesting?
SIR UPPERRICH: I’m not suggesting anything. Just that the King suspected someone was stealing his wine in the nighttime. And here we are, me and Seamus here, surveying the Royal Wine Cellar, in the nighttime, and the two of you come stumbling in. So, what am I to think?
STUPID SHORT GUARD: How do we know that you’re not the one stealing the wine?
SIR UPPERRICH: Have you not been listening to me?! We are here to stop people from stealing wine!! Why would I then take the wine for myself!!? Doesn’t that sound a bit counterproductive? I would be making my own job that much more difficult!
STUPID TALL GUARD: Huh.
STUPID SHORT GUARD: Well…well ok then. Have a nice night then.
[As the two guards turn to leave, there is a popping noise, and SIR UPPERRICH’s right hand explodes.]
STUPID SHORT GUARD: Sweet bloody Christ.
[A second pop sounds, and SIR UPPERRICH’s left hand explodes.]
SIR UPPERRICH: Merciless fuck!
[A third and final pop echos down the hall as SIR UPPERRICH’s head explodes onto the glass bottles of wine and the three onlookers surrounding him. The guards stand frozen. MILKER SHAMMONS sprints past them out of the cellar, but they do not move.]